Letters from Europe

Upon graduation from college in the summer of 2001, I did what most Americans do when they're finally finished with the monotony that is the University classroom: Head to Europe for debauchery, enlightenment and women. While most of these goals weren't exactly reached, I did manage to chronicle my adventures though letters I sent home to family and friends. The following are the letters I sent.  Completely unedited. The response was so overwhelming that I foolishly thought I could one day be a good writer. While the writer part did come true, the "good" part remains questionable at best. One letter went missing that detailed my travels through Paris and San Sebastian, Spain, which creates a small gap in the overall story. My journey started in Paris and ended appropriately in Amsterdam.

A Letter from Paris, France

Hello,

Can you believe I'm in Europe right now? I can't. It isn't that different, if you ignore the fact that most of the people here speak French, and you wake up with dead mice in your bathroom (it really happened.) The flight here sucked major ass. For eleven freakin' hours, I was surrounded by fat, smelly french people; my watch, which I only bought hours before was stolen an hour before the plane landed because my jet lagged-ass left it in the bathroom for a minute. Also, I only got one hour of sleep! I saw What Women Want, State and Main, and Antitrust, plus the Discovery Channel, so at least I had something to allow my mind to go into zombi mode instead of insane mode. Yeah, the flight absolutely sucked fucking ass. It's cool though, I found a hotel the first night (tiniest room I've ever seen) walked around for a little while, ate a burger (really French cuisine there) and crashed for twelve hours. When I woke up this morning, there was a freakin' dead mouse in my bathroom! So instead of showering and freshing up, it was onward to the subway to find a hostel.

I'm at a Hostel now (for future travelers, you need a hostel card..luckily, they let me buy one here.) I'm on my way to check out some cool things, like the "Tower de Eiffel" and some Museums and Jim Morrison's grave. It's pretty weird around here, but with patience and some nerve, it's livable. It's weird, nobody here makes eye contact, and I can sense some of the French hostility towards Americans, but they'll help you if you ask ("Pardon moi, Parlez-Vous Anglais?") I've been saying that a lot. The architectual structures are amazing. Everywhere you look, there's some sort of crazy building.

Well, I hope all of you are having fun back at the good ol' U.S. of A. I'll let you know what's going later, and take care.

Cyrus

p.s. Mom, I'm still alive, so don't worry. Also, if you could, can you tell Dad I'm o.k.? Thanx.

A Letter from Nice, France

Your happy camper here in Europe again. This time, I'm in an internet cafe in Nice, which is in southern France, FACING THE FUCK'N FRENCH RIVERIA!!! Of course, that explains the franc per minute I'm paying for this internet service, but I'll try to keep it short....

Yeah, this town lags in comparison to Paris and San Sebastion, but I realized that knowing some of the language in a different country really makes the locales a lot more nicer to you. I'm in a butt-fuck shitty ass hotel, but it's better than sleeping in a train with five others in your room, and it's not too expensive....

The cool thing here though is the fact that Monoco is only 20 minutes away. In case you don't know where that is, it holds the Monte Carlo Casino, where James Bond repeatedly blurbs his classic lines, "Martini, shaken, not stirred" and "Bond, James Bond." This place was unbelievable. They had the Monte Carlo Grand Prix there only two days ago (which I guess is the biggest car race in the world) so I got a chance to see the race track, which is basically the streets of the town! It's a crazy place, and makes Beverly Hills look like the ghetto of Oaktown....

Another tidbit I've learned from traveling here is that Aussies are by far the coolest chaps I've ever met. Every single one of them just know how to have a good time, act, and be courteous while being completely cool about it. I met this Aussie on the train to Monoco, and we ended up hanging out half the day together. Anytime one of you guys wants to go to Australia, we definitely have plenty of places to stay....

Well, that's it from my end. I'm heading to Rome tomorrow morning and arriving late afternoon, so I'll let you know in a few days how Russell Crowe and the Gladiator crew are doing. Maybe I'll duke it with some lions and tigers and shit in the Coliseum, and I'll tell the Pope you all said hi. Take care, and thanx for keeping in touch. Au revoir!

Cyrus

p.s. Mom, I didn't smoke any hash today, so don't worry, and sorry for calling you at 2 in the morning.

A Letter from Rome, Italy

I have a few hours to kill until my next train ride to Venice, so I figured I would say hi to all you blokes out there....

Well, yesterday I went to the catacombs, where thousands of bodies were buried thousands of years ago in these vast underground tunnels. It was pretty cool, although the coolest part was that a part of our group got lost down there for a few minutes because an old guy in front of us could not keep up with the rest of the group. Suddenly, he turns to us and says where is the group. We are thinking, "What the fuck???" Anyways, we found the tour guide, but considering that there are miles of tunnels, people have gotten lost down there before, only to never be found....

Then last night, we went to this square where apparently the younger crowd hangs out to eat and drink, but the entire crowd was American! Worst yet, it was the typical Fratty crowd, a bunch of obnoxious (I know, I can be an annoying drunk myself) Greeks who have no fucking respect for the town or culture. Made me sick. So I got out of there super quick, found a more chill bar, and then hit the sack....

These letters are a bit of a journal for myself, so I can, and will in this case, let out some frustration towards our good old U.S. of A. after seeing what goes on here. In Europe, nobody drives Trucks, SUVs or MiniVans because they take up space, gas, and emit crap in the air, unlike our bloated ego asses who have to have the biggest cars..it is against the law to own any sort of gun without the strictest of measures, and you have to be 21 to do that (besides California, you can be 18 in most states to own a gun).. and most of all, everyone is just FRIENDLY, and not naive stupid racist rednecks like most of the states. Is it any wonder that crime here is way lower, especially with the relaxed laws against our friend hashish?....

I know, I have only been here in a short time, but this short time has also introduced me to rednecks from LSU, Florida, Georgia, and even Chicago who openly just throw the N word out there, talking shit about blowing up the rest of the world, etc. etc. Point is, it is no wonder people around the world hate Americans. I see their point....

Well, thanx for reading the Cyrus Propaganda Show, sorry about it, but I needed to vent. Now, it is off to Venice for a night, then on to Interlaken, Switzerland, for some rafting and good old Swiss fun. Thanx again for all the letters, I really love hearing from you guys, and more postcards are on the way. Ciao from Rome!

Cyrus

A Letter from Interlaken, Switzerland

Greetings all from the most peaceful, laidback, and raging countrz of Switzerland...

First off, there is no exclamation point on this kezboard, and the y button and the z button are switched on all of the kezboards, so ys will be zs, and the other waz around, so bare with me....

I am in this small town in Swityerland called Interlaken, which is bz far the most beautiful citz and countrz I have ever seen. The hostel I am stazing at, called Funnz Farm, is like summer camp with a bar, great food, and fuckän dope everzwhere u look. It is growing everzwhere, everzone smokes there, everzone drinks there, everzone is cool with everzone there, it is EXACTLZ like how Woodstock would be in mz mind (u people who have been to Humboldt would know what I am talking about, except this place has actual warm weather and sunshine.)....

There is a huge swimming pool with a jousting log going across it, and a rock wall starting in the water and going up 15 feet. If u fall, u fall right into the water. I onlz saw one guz actuallz make it to the top, but it is reallz narlz shit. Zesterdaz, a paraglider FUCKÄN FLEW IN THE HOSTEL AND LANDED IN THE POOL. Straight out of nowhere. The crayiest part?.....

The internet cafe I am in SELLS MARIJUANA (exclamation) This place is off the hook. I have alreadz stazed here two dazs longer than I was supposed to have, but it is that fun. One daz five of us rented scooters, and we cruised to a series of waterfulls running through the mountain, then saw an actual Glacier (and I ate a piece of it) before finding an abandoned castle overlooking the lake, where we ate food and smoked two huge joints. Ethereal shit.....

Unfortunatelz, I have to leave tonight, but if I stazed anz longer, it would be a clear wasted of time.

I am now off to Munich before finishing up mz trip to Amsterdam (I was going to go straight there, but I am actuallz smoking too much weed, and need a brake, I cannot believe I am writing this, but it is true). Take care, thanx for being there with me throughout mz little adventure, and u will hear from me next in the weed capital of the world, AMSTERDAM.

Czrus

A Letter from Amsterdam, Netherlands

Well, this is it, the final letter of the Cyrus Chronicles from Europa, live from the Flying Pig Hostel in Amsterdam....

First off, this hostel is a nut house. You can smoke anywhere you want, they have two smoking areas where you have to take your shoes off, and they have these really comfortable pillows you sit on to make your smoking experience all the more pleasurable. I just came back from this coffee shop called Chocolaty, where you can buy things like hash bon bons, hash hot chocolate, hash cake, space cake, so I ate some of the space cake and hash hot chocolate. If this letter stops making sense, then the shit has kicked in, and I apologize for that....

So I actually went out and did shit today, going to the Van Gogh Museum, Ann Frank's house, and the Heinekin brewery. The Heinekin brewery was by far the coolest place though. It was practically an amusement park, only with free beer. Fucking awesome.....

Few days back, I went to Munich with some comrades from Switzlerland, and got fucking trashed at the brew house, called Haufbrauhouse. We got so loaded that I stole a beer stein and tee shirt, ran to my train, passed out, and woke up in Holland. It was crazy. I also took a bike tour where I saw the sites and drank beer in a beer garden as part of the tour. Pretty cool place, this Munchen....

So back to Amsterdam, and I can't believe the amount of pot, drugs, and hookers there are here. It's far more than I ever imagined. There are coffee shops EVERYWHERE!!!! Guys come up to you all the time offering coke and ex, and there are hookers in the infamous "red light district" everwhere. I'm just struggling right now to even finish my stash, I'm fucking pretty fucked up now. I can't bring anything on the flight, which sucks. All in all, a crazy city. Way too much to simply say here, but unfuckingnbelievable.....

Well, it is getting pretty hard to write now, but thanks for reading all of my letters. Take care, and I will be talking to you all very soon, back in the good 'ol U.S. of A. So long from Amsterdam! (I really don't want to leave - if you are thinking about coming out here, don't fucking hestitate, it's a life changing experience.)

Your Pal in Euro-ville,

Cyrus

p.s. Ohhh, the shit has kicked in all right!1\