Feb 1, 2004

Letter from Tahiti

For three years I Executive Produced a morning radio talk show, years that were filled with booze, strippers, and a severe lack of sleep. My alarm would usually go off at 3:30 in the morning, a schedule you never get used to. Rather, waking up at this hour forces you to get used to a constant state of being tired. Somewhere in the middle of this run I found myself exhausted and stressed beyond comprehension, and wanted a getaway that was unique, relaxing and near warm waters with good surf. I was inspired partly by these Corona commercials that kept showing a couple sitting near the beach, doing nothing but relaxing. Suffering from severe burnout, I settled on a trip to Tahiti. My friend James agreed to go with me, as he wanted to get his scuba diving license and found Tahiti to be a place that's perfect for this.

While the internet did exist at this time, it wasn't nearly as full of valuable information then as it is today, especially when it came to surf knowledge. All I knew about Tahiti was that it was tropical, the water was warm, the women were supposedly beautiful, they spoke different languages thanks in large part to the French owning the islands, and based off images I saw in surf magazines, the waves looked perfect. Turned out the waves were indeed perfect, if you were one of the best surfers in the world and could conquer one of the most dangerous waves in the world, Teahupoo. I was not one of the best surfers in the world, and on top of that I didn't find a single surf shop anywhere that could rent me a surfboard.

Furthermore, the travel agent (travel websites like Priceline and Travelocity barely existed back then) told us that the resorts we were going to were full of singles. I still resent her for lying to us like that.

The journey took us to both the main island of Tahiti, and the beautiful island of Moorea. French Polynesia is an amazingly beautiful place. If you go, makes sure it's for your honeymoon.

A Letter from Moorea, Tahiti

Since everyone here talks French (and I lost my French translation book, which blows) I say Bonjour and Comment Tallez-Vous (which means, "How are your bitch asses?").

Tahiti is about as tropical as it gets. Unbelievably beautiful fish when you go snorkling (the beach is literally right outside your hotel room). The sun here is vicious, due mainly to our proximity to the equator. As a result, I'm suffering from a painful sunburn. With the warm clear waters all around us, good times though. A major storm hit us one day, which actually gave me reprieve since I was able to avoid the sun and heal my burned-to-the-crisp skin.

I finished reading a great book during the storm, oddly enough written by comedian Steve Martin. It's called The Pleasure of My Company. It's a short book, a real delight though. It's about someone with a major case of OCD who slowly starts to overcome his disorder. Highly recommended read.

One day we rented a car to explore the island. Turns out Captain Cook visited this island, as there are a lot of references to his name. There's even a bay called Cook Bay named after him. I guess he visited the place and had a large effect on the local populace. We checked out some monuments in his honor, and hiked the jungle, where a lot of ancient artifacts are still intact dating hundreds of years. Cool shit.

Major downsides to this trip are that there are pretty much nothing but honeymooners around here, everything is unbelievably overpriced, and there is no surf. Aside from a group of Aussies we hung out with the first couple of nights when we were on the main island of Tahiti, totally quiet scene. The Aussies were here getting ready to be performers on a cruise ship for six months. One of them was really hot, if only we didn't split off from them. At least I'll be uber-relaxed upon return.

Hope all is well back at the states, talk to y'all soon.

Au revoir, bitches.


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